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Arab-Israeli conflict settled as Netanyahu & Hamas meet for ‘a few cheeky pints’
Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas leader Khaled Mashal last night announced a lasting settlement to the Israeli-Palestine conflict following a night of negotiations over eight pints of Fosters in the Lamb...
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Facebook to be split into ‘Sanctimonious Bullsh*t’ and ‘Stalking’ divisions
Following its plans to break up Britain’s banks, the EU has announced controversial proposals to separate Facebook into two distinct ‘Sanctimonious Bullsh*t’ and ‘Stalking’ units. EU competition...
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Disaffected UK extremists ‘may not be allowed to re-join the Conservative Party’
The Prime Minister today announced a new raft of measures designed to combat the threat of Britons joining the shadowy extremist group UKIP, including removing the right of those individuals to later...
View ArticleMan who never watches The Proms to boycott The Proms
Enfield based opinion enthusiast Arthur Wright was one of many people up in arms today after the BBC’s decision to only broadcast instrumental versions of the Rule Britannia and Land of Hope and Glory...
View ArticlePremier League to become giant game of table football
Preparing for the possibility of a second wave of COVID 19, the Premier League has drawn up plans to allow players to remain socially distant on the pitch, by lining them up in rows of three and four,...
View ArticleTrump reworks the Ten Commandments
Feeling slightly sensitive that a lifetime of vagina grabbing and perfidious self-promotion might not be completely at ease with his conservative Christian support base, President Trump today announced...
View ArticleBritish public to blame for ‘just about everything’
The government has reassured the British public by holding them to blame for absolutely everything, including the spread of coronavirus, the lack of available testing and the assassination of Archduke...
View ArticleMark Francois launches ‘Short Lives Matter’ campaign
Pint-sized fury cannon Mark Francois MP has announced his new anti-discrimination initiative, Short Lives Matter, a movement designed to raise awareness of the plight of Britain’s tiny, angry,...
View Article‘Moths are idiots’ scientists confirm
David Rogers, professor of futile entomology at Anthea Turner College Cambridge today published the results of his exhaustive seventeen year study into the uselessness of the common moth. ‘This is my...
View ArticleSecond wave of press conferences to hit the UK
Scientists have warned today that the recent rise in COVID-19 infection rate means Britain could soon be facing months of interminable Downing Street coronavirus briefings in the near future. It’s...
View ArticleMan baffled after failing to mend laptop by shouting at it
Hampshire based confidence fanatic Alan Scott was left aghast yesterday after a series of gesticulations and random threats of violence somehow didn’t convince his broken laptop to boot up. ‘I always...
View ArticleDame Judi Dench retrains as scaffolder
Following Rishi Sunak’s advice that those in the arts should consider new careers, it appears that many of Britain’s top actors have done just that. ‘I was amazed’ exclaimed labourer John Wiggins. ‘We...
View ArticlePriti Patel sets up Etsy store selling knuckle dusters
In an attempt to soften her public image, Home Secretary Priti Patel is to market her own range of knuckle dusters, flick knives and Japanese throwing stars. One Home Office source explained. ‘A lot of...
View ArticleNew crime drama ‘Patel and Dick’ to air on ITV
ITV today announced an exciting new mini-series which sees Home Secretary Priti Patel and head of the Met Police Cressida Dick team up as a diminutive crime fighting duo. ‘Alongside ‘Ben Shepherd’s...
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